Satyress: Slop, Salesmanship, or Satire
A demon robot, a mysterious engineer, and the creeping suspicion that none of this is what it seems.
WE’RE NECK DEEP IN THE AGE OF THE UNREAL.
Everything online must be scrutinised to determine whether it’s human or AI, real or imagined, tragic or a distraction. It’s a good time to be a sceptic, though a terrible time to realise most people aren’t. Clearly this wasn’t deep enough for us though as Satyress takes the next insane step and makes me wonder “Even though it’s real, is it actually real?”. Shout out to Dezeen who didn’t have the same suspicions and just posted the press release word for word. Maybe they’re right. Maybe…
DESIGNED BY SATAN, APPARENTLY
Built in Auburn, California, Satyress is ostensibly a large, centaur-like robot for a variety of commercial applications. It’s been displayed (statically) and can be seen and touched. Yet, an air of unreality and a vibe of absolute bollocks hangs over it like the musk of Pan.
The website for Satyress highlights some truly bizarre functions. It is incapable of walking through a standard American door because of its horns. That is, it’s been made deliberately less deployable by choice. It also can’t turn around in a corridor. How does that help you? How do you get it anywhere indoors where it would be useful? Isn’t that a fire hazard?
Bear in mind that both of these “features” also add to the demonic look of the robot by adding hooves, horns, and a horse body. Why do these things exist? The company claims that this is “caution tape” and will remind people that it is dangerous to be near. Because being a seven foot tall robot with a chainsaw apparently doesn’t do that job well enough.
And look at this photo! It can be equipped with apparently any tool so what do they show? Here it is picking its nose with a little drill. I can’t imagine that function is in huge demand.
Other pictures show it looming in the half dark or equipped with a chainsaw. Not an encouraging sight for anyone. It’s also matte black, so when inside it’s harder to see and when outside it’s perfect for overheating during the day and lurking in the shadows at night.
WHO THE HELL MADE THIS THING?
And what about the company? Well Satyress seems to not actually exist as a corporate entity. There is no Imprint on the website, the actual address, and only a generic email for contact. It doesn’t even seem to have employees. The only person who can be attached to the project is a self described engineer by the name of Beau Gaston; a name that sounds like it was created for a comedy sketch about French stereotypes. Mr Gaston seems to have little to no online presence. He’s an engineer with no GitHub account, no social media, and no apparent history before Satyress. None of this is proof in itself as engineers by their nature are careful with their online presence, but it is another curious point.
PLEASE SHOOT ROBOT »HERE«
The real kicker for me: if the robot ever goes nuts you can shoot it or stab it in specific places to instantly disable it. Why would you ever mention the possibility of your demon bot going haywire!? More importantly, if that was an admitted possibility, why would you explain that you can shoot or stab it to stop it!? Is this just the way Americans think now surrounded as they are by the constant threats of runaway technologies and a heavily armed populace. Whatever the answer, the Satyress people make sure to include a handy diagram showing you where to aim.
WAIT, I’VE PLAYED THIS BEFORE
What does this all add up to? Well thanks to the biases of my video game addled brain, I think this is marketing for an unannounced game. A demonic looking robot event with highlighted weak points that can be avoided by dodging through a door or slipping past it in a corridor? All of that says game mechanics to me.
What do you think? Is it an actual robot, a clever gag, or a harbinger of a to-be announced product of some kind? Let me know! I’m curious what other conclusions you folks come up with.
Cheers,
Kris
this screems satire-art-project-prank to me!